Sunday, January 25, 2004

Lost Seinfeld Episode

I was inspired by a friend who talked about how she parks in the far spots when going to malls. I too, do that. I hate waiting for a spot, blocking the flow of traffic...because people take their sweet time getting in their cars anyway...I could be in the mall by the time I park closer. The "Seinfeldian" word that would have been created for the show would be a "far-parker".

So, my inspiration caused me to write a "lost" Seinfeld episode called "The Far-Parker"

Jerry does a little bit of stand up at the beginning of the show:
"Do you see these people waiting in the parking lots in their cars? They sit there for hours waiting for the perfect spot. Thinking 'If I wait here long enough, I can find a spot right up front...' thereby delaying the shopping experience that they came for in the first place. Is this really necessary? Are we becoming that lazy where we need to park so close to take five fewer steps into the mall?

I actually saw a woman wait for a parking spot that was four spaces from the front. Someone else came out that was parked two spaces from the front and waited for them to leave. There's an open spot right there! Let's go! Meanwhile there are fifty cars behind her honking. They should make the parking spaces all front row spots. Circle the entire mall with front row parking. Of course, then there'd be people so lazy that they would wait for the guy on his bike to leave so they could park on the sidewalk...

I park in the farthest spots I can. I like the looks on people's faces when you walk past their cars smiling. They're like 'How'd he pass us so quickly?' It feels good to be walking and passing cars. It makes me feel like Superman..."

The opening credits roll with an outside shot of a local mega mall. The whole episode takes place with the four cast members in Kramer's car. They are in the parking lot of a busy mall during the pre-Christmas shopping

Music plays...
Elaine: Wait here, I see someone pulling out.
George: No. False alarm, they were looking for their friend.
Jerry: Just park back there. We can walk 100 feet to the store.
Kramer: (irritated) Oh boy! Dyet...dat.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: You're one of those "far-parkers" aren't you?
Jerry: (sneering) "Far-parkers"?
Elaine: OH! That lady is getting in her car...
Kramer: (accusingly) You think you're better than EVERYONE ELSE don't you!
Jerry: What!? Because I don't like to wait?
George: (interrupts) No. She's putting her bags in the trunk and going back to the mall...
Kramer: You don't like those of us who are waiting for a close spot and sneer and glare at us as you WALK ON BY! Don't talk to me!
Jerry: (pleading) Come on Kramer!?
Kramer: DADITDIT!!
Elaine: You know, some of us get cold walking that far.
Jerry: So I can't park in the far spots?
Kramer: DIDIDIT!!!
Elaine: You ruin it for the rest of us.
Jerry: (smugly) If I can't park there, why do they paint the lines?
George: I think it's a federal regulation.
Elaine: It's not right. You make us look bad when we wait.
Kramer: (harshly) You disgust me!
George: (interrupts again) Oh, look that lady is getting in her car.
Jerry: (very annoyed) We could already be in the mall!!...

music plays
(cut to commercial)

It's actually not a whole episode, but funny nonetheless. What do you think? Would it have made the show? I wrote this because there are so few shows that are actually funny today. It is my homage to the brilliance of the writers.

I may have to finish this episode...what happens next?!